Rednecks
I found this on a piece of paper at the church where I work:
Postcard From One Redneck to Another
Dear Cletus - I´m writin´ this real slow cause I know you cain´t read very fast. We don´t live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happend within ten miles of home, so we moved.
Our address is the same, we took the house numbers from the last place and kept them so we wouldn´t have to get new ones.
The place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we ain´t seen em since.
It only rained here twice this week. Three days the first time and five days the second time.
I know it is cold where you are so we´re sending you a coat. Mama said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with them buttons on it, so we cut´em off and put´em in the pockets.
We got a letter from the funeral home. They said if we don´t make the last payment on Grandma´s funeral bill, up she comes!
My sister had a baby this morning. I ain´t heard whether it´s a boy or a girl, so I don´t know if I´m and uncle or an aunt.
Uncle John fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of my friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving, the other two was in the back. The driver got out ´cause he rolled down the window swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn´t get the tailgate down.
More next time, nuthin’ much is happenin´ around here.
The Ticket
A story that I found on the internet that was too funny to pass up:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a store. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, “Come on, man. How about giving a retired person a break”? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a “Nazi.” He glared at me and started writing another ticket for “having worn tires”. So I called him a “member of the doughnut eating Gestapo.” He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn’t care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said “Hillary in ‘08.”
I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.